On the Many Flavors of Grief - Part I

Grief. I had no idea it came in so many flavors. It used to be, when I would hear this word the first thing that came to my mind was the death of someone close to you and the deep pain that accompanies that loss.

That’s not the only form of grief. In Part 2, we’ll talk about “disguised grief” and how we all carry some form of it.

But even for the death of a loved one, our culture doesn’t exactly embrace grief. Some cultures have funerals that last a week, mourning lasts a month or more. People are invited to sit in the sadness, to wear dark colored clothes, and even wail, a let-it-all-out kind of wailing.

Gosh, the peace that must come after that kind of bold expression of grief….

Not so much here. It’s appropriate to cry at funerals – tissue boxes abound at funeral homes – but be sure not to cry too loud.  Quiet dabbing of the eyes is preferred. And then stay busy and move on with your life, don’t talk about the deceased. It’s not good to dwell, right?

Some folks don’t want to have funerals for themselves for a variety of reasons, cost being a big factor and very understandable as death has become a profitable industry here in the U.S. But some would rather not have a funeral or an end-of-life service because they don’t want people to be sad. This is a sweet and caring sentiment, and there was a time when I might have thought the same, that I had the power, and responsibility even, to spare people from unpleasant emotions.

I understand now that it’s actually impossible to deny people feeling what they need to feel upon our death. They will need to process the reality that for better or worse, we existed and had an impact on them, or they will need some time just to reflect on the fleeting nature of their own life.  People may very well be sad or have other emotions when we die, but there’s actually not a damn thing we can do about it! 😊  And, thankfully not, because it would mean robbing them of the peace that comes after feeling all the feels....

This kind of grief around death is more obvious, but disguised grief, well, by name, is more cryptic. (Read more in part 2.)

If you have comments, deep thoughts, shallow thoughts, questions, anything you’d like to share in response to this blog, I would love to hear them. Please send a message to me, Deb, at honeycreekhealing@gmail.com.

If you are currently experiencing a mental health crisis, this is outside the scope of my expertise. Please pursue immediate support from your primary mental health clinician or dial 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.